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There is this thing that's like touching {except you don't.touch.you.sing.}
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| i see you flailing |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|01:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | calculation theme-metric | ] |
it kills me how people can only recall the negative aspects of life.sometimes i just want to throw down all the defenses and arguments i put up just to say 'fine.youre fucking right.now can we just get along?' but somehow i know justifying someone just wont be satisfying enough.
im surrounded by people who just cant let go of their past.
i am forcefully tearing the claws of my past off of the hem of my skirt. it just isnt fair to live in regret.ive come a long way, im producing work that im pretty proud of.
now to win some time....some how.
i want to be surrounded by those i love always, but i cant even begin to organize plans because theres rarely time to breathe.
i dont want to see my dad.and ill probably have to see him friday night.and im going to the wedding of a twenty year old super-religious jew who is in no condition to be a mother let alone a wife.last time i saw her i made her cry because she had called my mother stupid and i snapped at her.
what is this world coming to? why are people so absorbed with religion and marriage and children?
its so fucking early, no one has even lived yet.shit.
bed time. |
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| People always told me Don't forget your roots I know I can feel them underneath my leather boots |
[Aug. 7th, 2009|01:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mgmt- the handshake | ] |
my stomach turns as i imagine my family at her engagement, talking about me and shaking their heads.
i wish i couldnt imagine so much.ive really just been imagining them being depressed and ashamed a lot.i dont know how i feel about this, but i know that they dont have to be reacting this way, too. |
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| She only blinked her eyes, but I saw it |
[Jul. 20th, 2009|01:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | franz ferdinand-Jacqueline | ] |
its sunny outside, for once.
little buds are falling from the trees and, my ceiling is purple.
the cat clings to me like a child. hes getting so very big, and is super snuggleworthy.
now, if only people in the metro would look up once in awhile and look a little bit more cheerful.
today should be a good day.
(: |
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| little kisses, distractions from reality.surrealism at its best! |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|09:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | love | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | emilie autumn-romeo and juliet | ] |
it's a lot more difficult to put happyness into words.
simply enough; he is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.
vulnerability is lovely, some days.
i havent given a fuck about anyone the way i do for him in years.
ils est mon embrasure!
here, some ridiculous drunken alice photos for your viewing:
more on VF. |
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| He wasnt. |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|02:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nostalgic. | ] |
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| summer, why art though so far awayy? |
[Apr. 14th, 2009|12:27 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | neeeeeed sleep. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | poster of a girl-metric | ] |
i dont appreciate when people talk about things i like.
i already know those things.
i want to explore unknown lands.
i love learning new things about this world that we live in.
keep me entertained!
why cant you talk about things you like?
how bland.
damnit. |
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| The doctor, the writer, the hairdresser; Felt up and fingerprinted waiting for the train |
[Apr. 12th, 2009|09:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | am i full of love or hate? | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | metric-the police and the private | ] |
the thing about boys that they dont know,
is that women are naturally drawn towards them.sometimes the very scent of a man can drive a woman to her ends; can drive her mad with lust.
their inability to linger on issues is mistaken for certainty, a trait which reels one in tightly.men know what they want.woman want to be told what they want, no matter how much theyll argue otherwise.
allweeklong a female can lie their daydreaming about flat chests, strong jawlines, tiny waists, and sturdiness.
we'll sulk around, our body tense...waiting for a phonecall or message from our fantasyboy.we'll wait and wait until we feel like we are on the verge of exploding.
mostly, though, we enjoy knowing that we are better than all this.because it only take a few slick movements to destroy a man, to have him at the palm of your hand.
its like fighting for a doll...you want it so bad, cause its better than your old doll. sometimes every other girl wants the same doll. sometimes others will take your doll away from you. sometimes...theres a doll that will always remain in your heart and memories-but there will always be new dolls, and this is necessary cause being able to manipulate a boy/doll gets boring after awhile.
the human nature in me clashes with the defect in me...it makes me want to collect more and more dolls.never to rid of the old ones.never to favor but never to leave any of them in the dark.
Keep one eye on the door, keep one eye on the bed
Never expect to be sure who you're working for
i wish i smelt like old dolls. like boy. like it was with him.
does he miss me? |
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| bad actors with bad habits |
[Mar. 29th, 2009|02:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | burnt | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | queen adreena-pretty like drugs | ] |
"if i were to be set on fire;
all of my skin burnt, all of my hair gone...
would you still love me?" |
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| I wanna shave my head, lie in bed, alldaylong. |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|10:33 pm] |
i want to run somewhere farfar away.
i dont want to have to worry about useless shit like english term papers and french orals and gym homework/socializing with people i dislike.
i just want to pack up and fucking go.move to a newworld where shit makes more sense.i want to know what im supposed to do with myself when i dont know what to do with myself.i wish i was as naive as i pretend to be.i want to knock my head into the wall repeatedly, until i cant remember my name and his face and how he made me feel.
i feel like one of these days my body will just fail me. i will just sit there, unable to move. my gears are slowing down already, its bound to happen eventually.
i wish i werent such a dramatic teen age er.
i just wanna go someplace,
where no one knows my face,
and i dont have to explain,
no i dont have to retain:
that i lied to myself, to protect myself, for the benefit of myself.
i want power in my words, i want passion in my eyes, and when i wake up;
i want life to be a surprise.
and i set myself up everytime you leave
to destroy the things ive got for the things i need. |
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| Like all the words irrelevant and strange, like all the girls before me |
[Feb. 15th, 2009|08:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happeh.ish. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tegan and Sara- Divided | ] |
i am happy,
because the day ive waited for my whole life is so close.
but i am feeling strange about life.
because my day life clashes with my home life.
and im worried that my plan will fail because ill chicken out.
i am so easily entertained by everything in the outside world because (ya im a martian, and...) everything in my actual life is just so typical, jews are so damn sheltered.
i figure that whichever path i take in life...alone or with someone, i don't want to expose myself (or children) to so many lies and restrictions.
if i ever have one, i'd want my kid to be allowed to watch christmas specials, or to go trick or treating, like everyone else.
i would make sure to read them stories or passages that are years ahead of them, so that their vocabulary would be huge and filled with beautiful words...unlike mine.
ive always had so much difficulty with this whole scenario, though. cause if im terrified of the kid coming out like me...or i am terrified of turning into my dad; overprotective, spying on all of their friends. but just for their toddler years, cause really, those years make or break a person.
it overwhelms me to be sitting in the metro, dressed sometimes like a complete weirdo, and to notice a kid staring at me. because, really, his mind is recording this strange sight...i might be influencing his or her future by just sitting there. this simple thing fills me with tension, i over analyze everything and everyone. because i dont want to be one of the many who see life flatly, i am a philosopher with terrible grammar and a short word span.
ive assumed so much about myself that im just holding myself back from being surprised by my own course of life altogether. i tell myself i know everything when i actually cant even decide things for myself.
for one, ive convinced myself by now that ill be forever alone. and not because i cant find anyone that would stay with me for always, but because i tire of people quickly and i'd much rather not have to go through divorce or hating my boy or woman. and i hate the pity i get from people when i say these things, because in reality i pity the real-life humans who live, believing such childish things such as 'we will love eachother until we grow old.'
so really, as childish as i seem, all those who believe in such fairytales are the naive fools.
"Puck: Lord, what fools these mortals be!"
yuh...
...uhm,
the strange part of my mind is wishing for my parents to find out about my piercing, and my life. so that maybe we can have a huge fight and i can slam the door and run off to some place where i feel more at home.
or...mom and dad will find a magic person who will brainwash me into loving them and their lies.
i feel so terrible because they call me 'love' and 'darling'. but i hold grudges more than anyone i know.
and once youve hurt me,
broken the things i adore or make me happy or lowered my self esteem,
i wont forgive you.
i get so sad when i get close to people,because i dont want to grow tired of their beauty.
pourquoi est-ce-que chui comme ca? :/ |
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| a louer/for sale |
[Jan. 31st, 2009|07:38 pm] |
im slowly growing cold again because this is the way i am and im just really frustrated with myself because ive been neither happy or sad lately. so i am just unhappy.everything i do right now, i feel its meaningless, every thought i think every word i say. just a waste of time, cause i exist for no one and no purpose. i am annoyed with myself for becoming more and more boring and i am annoyed at the world around me because everyone is so fucking happy and enjoying their meaningless lives.
i wish i could either erase everything from my memory or rewind time to the days when i felt i meant something for someone,i want to have friends that would die for me,someone there when i need them but someone who wont be so attached to me that ill end up feeling caged.
i just dont know what to say or do with myself anymore.i am selfish and sadistic and clearly complaining over nothing.i want to stay alone in my room but i also want to go out with friends and have fun and feel their warmth.
i am walking around with no feelings except annoyance,its just really very shitty.
RANTRANTRANT.ugh. |
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| would you believe it in your head? |
[Jan. 20th, 2009|06:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | awake! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Queens of the Stone Age- the flow | ] |
yesterday meant things like back to school, back to getting my head in the game.
college is a strange place, nothing like high school. you make new friends, always. at least youre supposed to. i dont want to be the kid no one notices whos just in 'their french class'.
and so ive come to the discovery that with my possessiveness of friends and my need to make a mark, its all just me being an attentionwhore.
and sarah said:
'seriously? youre only realizing this now?'
-.-' |
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